Sometime in August I contemplated putting a pause on my therapy sessions as I felt I’d exhausted most of my talking points (like I’m in a debate or something?) and I had nothing left to gain each week. The majority of my meetings are focused on past love traumas and after a whole year of almost weekly discussions, I don’t think I can handle diving any deeper into previous pain than we already have. Because of those feelings, I’ve spent the last two months without one therapy session. My therapist was wonderful, so my sudden lack of interest in meeting wasn’t her fault in any way. She gently pushed, encouraged, and validated me even when I couldn’t name what I was feeling. I think my issue with feeling like I have nothing else to gain from my weekly sessions and why I’ve needed the last two months is that I simply do not want to let go of my trauma. Obviously emotional wounds don’t just go away within a year of talking about them, but I shouldn’t be holding my suffering as close as I do. I once wrote a poem about how my therapist probably wants me to let go more than I do (I’ll share it at some point) and that feeling is most strong today. Doing EMDR and rehashing different parts of my trauma should be what helps me, but I still find myself wallowing over men who’ve hurt me and things that have happened to me. The turning point that made me realize I need at least the last two months or longer of time away from therapy was when we were going through one of the most painfully impacting moments and I couldn’t get past describing the basic details. I felt like my mind was refusing to go deeper and I told my therapist I was fine moving on. In reality though, I didn’t even scratch the surface of that experience and how it affected me even today, years later. One of my main thoughts is who am I without this? with ‘this’ being my mental anguish. Holding onto these struggles and refusing to let them escape my memory is unhealthy, I know this. But I don’t know how to be better in therapy and when I’ll be comfortable allowing my past experiences and lost loves to slip away for good. I don’t feel like I’ve wholly regressed mentally over the last two months, but I of course have bad days where my depression feels like a returning friend. I still sometimes obsess over specific people who have caused me pain and the experiences I shouldn’t want to remember, but I’m lucky I’m in a much better place than I was last September when I wanted to disappear. Maybe at some point when I personally work through why I’m so bonded to my trauma I can actually begin to heal in therapy, but until then, I will keep a short distance with my therapist always accessible should I need her.