Some Job Thoughts After One Month of Work

My job thoughts at a convention

I’ve somehow been working full time for the past four weeks (I’m legitimately concerned about how quickly the days have gone), but I still feel like a child playing dress up in a room full of real adults. Case in point: the photo above was taken at the Hawaii State Bar Association Bar Convention I attended with my supervisor (shown above in the most pixelated photo ever because my supervisor has an iPhone from 2012) to meet and recruit lawyers for our Pro Bono program. My most common recurring job thoughts– “What the hell am I doing?” and “I literally have no idea what I’m doing” occurred numerous times during the bar convention and basically repeat themselves in my head every day I’m in the office. When I was younger, I used to believe that everyone in college and the workforce knew exactly who they were and what their life/work responsibilities were at all times, but now that I’m technically a full adult, I can confirm the exact opposite is true. If I could summarize all of my job thoughts in one sentence, it would be: I’ve never felt so insecure, uncertain, anxious, unqualified, and afraid since I started my first real job at Legal Aid. I know there’s a learning curve and a bit of a transition period at every job, but my god, am I lost. And within 2.5 months, I’ll have to start paying more than $600 a month from my nonprofit paychecks for my student loans. I’m truly grateful to have a job, especially in this economy, but I must say that my job thoughts and my current experiences are nothing like what I imagined in college. Adulthood is extremely difficult and everything is so expensive and I never know what to do with myself in my cubicle or in life in general. My goals for the next month of working are to stop asking my supervisors for permission whenever I do anything, make myself comfortable enough to eat a hot lunch alone at my desk, stop being so socially anxious I can’t take work phone calls, and make one new friend!

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