On Not Knowing What I Want

I love football. I also love music, fashion, writing, traveling, those less fortunate, and living in Hawai‘i. I used to think that based on my hobbies and interests, I would know exactly what I would want to do in life. I’ve wanted to be a fashion designer, makeup artist, professional blogger, musician, NFL linebacker (I know, this one is a stretch), and sports or fashion journalist, but nowadays I have no idea. I don’t know know if I want to continue on my path toward a journalism degree. Although I love to write, I don’t think I could spend all day writing articles. I’ve thought about switching over to communications and doing television work, but I don’t know if I would enjoy that either.

Having a plan and a set goal for my life has been consistent ever since I was a child. It’s really ironic actually that the most lost I’ve ever been started when I became an adult. Maybe it’s because I don’t have the mind of a child and now it’s clear that I’ve been dreaming too big. When does one decide to have smaller, more attainable dreams? I’ve always been taught to dream big and reach for the stars. But unfortunately, my stars have become quite dim. It’s hard to decide what to spend the rest of my life doing while I’m only 18 and I haven’t experienced much of anything yet. For a while, my biggest dream has been to have my own band and travel the world as a multi-instrumentalist. How do I make that happen? I have no idea.

Ah yes, this existential crisis arose out of my worry over what major to choose. How trivial is that? I’m still young, I’m healthy, and I have stable family and friends. I’m one of the lucky ones. And yet, this constant reminder that I have no direction is what keeps me awake at night. Don’t choose the wrong major. Study hard. Pass your classes with flying colors. Make the most of your time at Baylor. I don’t want my time here at this beautiful university to be wasted. I want to remember what it was like to be curious and excited about my future. I want to have the biggest dreams and plans for my life and learn how to sleep well again. I guess these things just take time.