His eyes, so full of sorrow and pain as they mocked Him and beat Him. Watching His best friend disown Him 3 times as they tortured Him and placed upon His Holy head the crown of thorns. Carrying His cross up to Calgary, without the strength to do so. Seeing His mother cry tears of devastation for her Son. Feeling the excruciating pain of the nails in His hands and feet. Carrying the weight of the world’s sin upon Him, while being beaten and mocked by the very people He was saving. Dying a slow and painful death, my Jesus was the Savior for us all.
Over the course of a year, I’ve fallen completely away from the Jesus whom I so loved. Don’t get me wrong, I still go to church and worship Him during service, but it wasn’t the same as it used to be. I didn’t feel the connection that I used to have in junior high. You see, when I was in junior high, that was when I truly fell in love with Jesus. He became so real to me and the whole experience of worship and prayer was a daily thing for me. I would pray for people I didn’t know, worship Him in public, tithe, and become sort of a spiritual leader for those who were younger than me. I led Bible studies with my best friend, and I felt at home in my church.
As the years rolled on, I was no longer the free-spirited young girl in junior high. When bad things happened, I doubted God. I didn’t trust Him anymore. Sadness would envelop me and the last thing I wanted to do was pray. Daily devos were non existent and those friends that I grew so close to before no longer called or texted. I felt alone most of the time and so I tried to befriend people in school. Being so different from those my age in high school was really hard for me. I stopped talking to my best friend and walked into church every Sunday by myself. To top it off, my grades were suffering from band practices every weekend and I nearly failed freshman year. Although that doesn’t seem like a lot of things going on, it was truly heartbreaking to me. I stopped talking to God completely and tossed my Bible under my bed to collect dust.
I’m not going to say that God sent a bush of fire or did some miraculous miracle, but I will say that he sent a TV show to remind me of His adoration and love for me. Yes, a TV show. Recently, a Christian couple in Hollywood produced a 5 week long series of the Bible. It sounded good, so I started to watch it. The show didn’t really impact my life though until it told the story of Jesus and His life. I feel like the producers and the director allowed the man playing Jesus to show emotions as I’ve never seen in another “Jesus” on TV or in movies. I felt like I was transported back 2,000 years to spend time with the man who saved my soul. God used that show to remind me of what His Son did for me. I’m just a spoiled girl who blames God for everything, but He still loves me anyway.
I’m just going to end by saying that if you’re going through something really hard (as we all do), look to Jesus. He died to save you and He loves you more than you could possibly imagine. I’ve fallen in love with Him again and I can truly say that I am trusting in Him and what He’s doing in my life. He’s loving, gracious, funny, and the keeper of my heart.
As my pastor Carl said this past week, “Jesus is the only one who knows everything about you and loves you anyway.”