Last week I filmed this chatty existential get ready with me video because my anxiety has recently increased over my life’s uncertain trajectory. Since 2015, I’ve written several posts (read my semi-cringe old thoughts here, here, and here and please don’t judge me for them @jonathan) about how I don’t know what I want to do with my life and somehow seven years later, I’m filled with the same ambivalence as when I was 18. Of course I’ve had lots more experience in life and work since I was in high school, but the idea of being where I am right now for the rest of my life has suddenly caused an influx of existential stress and worry. I’ve always been extremely open with my thoughts and emotions, so I thought I’d talk about these anxieties while doing my makeup for anyone to watch. In my TikTok video I talked about how when I was a senior in college I had a plan for my future. I was only 22, but I believed that I’d stay in Texas for one year to work, gain experience, and save money so I could move to New York City with Brandon in 2020 and we’d live out our wildest Broad City dreams a lá Abbi and Ilana. I didn’t really know what I’d do in New York, but there were lots of reentry programs and abolitionist organizations I planned on working at and I thought eventually everything would just fall into place.
Of course we know that’s not what happened and thanks to COVID and personal decisions, I’ve been home for the past almost three years. I’m extraordinarily lucky that I got to live with my family for two years and I’ve been working for three. Over the course of three years I somehow was hired in three different jobs (Community Outreach Court Coordinator full-time, Hawaii Peace and Justice Communications Consultant part-time, and Honolulu Star-Advertiser Sports Freelancer part-time) and I’m now contributing to Our Daily Bears as a small side gig. I haven’t suffered financially during COVID and I’m privileged to have gained so much experience in different positions since I graduated from college. However, I’m stressing out recently because I don’t have a real career plan for the next several years and I don’t want to stay in the exact place I’m at for my full-time job unless there’s a significant pay increase and added independence (which there most likely won’t be). I’ve also been thinking more about working in sports somehow, but I don’t know what I could do. I’d love to be a football SID or work in football operations or be an analyst, but again, how would I ever get there and who would hire me?
I know I don’t have to have my whole life or career figured out since I’m only 25, but I would love to have a little more certainty moving forward. I don’t want to settle in the job I’m at for the rest of my life and I don’t want to miss out on other opportunities because I’m scared or I feel I’m not qualified. I guess I just feel so much existential anxiety because I see other people my age in the jobs I want and I wish I could do them as well. I hope sharing my nerves and fears manifests a career I could love or I just hope I can make other people who feel the way I feel a little less alone!